I Aint Necessarily So

October by

Many years ago I was fortunate enough to have an LSD experience that revealed my elemental self to me….and that has been helpful and useful since.

There was a particularly illuminating recovery experience, three or four days on.

I was sitting on my stripped-down mattress in an upstairs bedroom of 1492 Nelson Street in Vancouver’s west end…..known otherwise as ‘the Strait House.” I was in something akin to a meditative state, a carry over….a kind of residual non-being. When, like a flock of ghost sparrows returning one by one to a tree, ephemeral elements of my persona came drifting ‘back’ to inaudibly click into place.

-I have to remind myself that because of these experiences I perceive ego as a kind of double, harboring my less than best inclinations…..as others may not.-

With this singular experience I came, graphically, to understand that my ego, my persona-lity was constructed of responses chosen throughout my young life to its various events, in many cases those most frightening. Collectively ‘my’ ways of responding had come to comprise ‘me’. I realized at that point that, like all choices, they could be seen in retrospect to have not necessarily been optimal or ‘only’. Or, if optimal at the time, might not and need not necessarily continue to be so.

Having seen them this way I would become less unknowingly possessed by them and would be from then on freer to sense them rising up and block them from manifesting in the present and to choose different responses. It would be a gradual and forever ongoing process, this refusing to be dictated to by my past. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes not.

In a couple of months I will have my three-score-and ten years in. There is no reason to expect that my evolution will be anything but ongoing until then and for the duration. Happily. There is, ironically, comfort in knowing that perfection is beyond me and therefore the lack of it no sane reason to agonize.

Part of having become so much more empowered in dealing with myself is knowing that every one of those early ways of responding have not disappeared, are dormant….not gone.

As very recently….when in a particularly gratifying way some thoughts expressed on this site resonated for someone whose role in life has been of note and whose influence upon the lives of others may well grow.

I was tickled to have this be so and grateful to perhaps have been of use in this way. We met and conversed and it was good.

But all the while I could feel it coming on: self-importance. My own I mean. Oh my……what a trap that is, what a dead-end detour. I know this. I have taken it before and still get suckered by it. So….I’m ‘fessin’ up right here and now, publicly, in the small way that this site is public…..to cut it off at the door.

Gratefulness……leave it at that Johnny-boy.

Self-importance…..what a bizarre concept…..in a world in which so many deemed important in their time have lost all currency and passed entirely beyond record or recollection. An extraneous concept, serving only to knock us off course, to isolate, to blind us to the ongoing, to trap us in the past and blur our sight for the future.

Importance itself? In a universe such as ours….with planets and stars?

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